"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23
The beach is surely a delight--its beauty a clear reflection of the majesty of our Creator. Hunter and I enjoyed the hospitality of my brother and sister-in-law at their condo in Panama City last week during our spring break. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. Throughout our stay I relished the beach walks--usually by myself in the early morning. You know there never really is a destination; it's the journey itself that brings pleasure. Bare feet in the wet sand, strolling at a leisurely pace, looking for the best shells, listening for the Father's voice. For me a version of what Beth Moore affectionately calls the "place of further still."
From the multitudes, to the twelve, to the three, until ultimately alone with the Father in the garden--Jesus Himself first found this "place of further still." There are times in our own lives when no one on earth--not even our dearest and closest family or friends--can minister to our broken hearts. It is then that we must go alone to this place of further still to find comfort and peace that only our Heavenly Father can give. The beach became my place of further still.
This path I had walked the day before, but now the shore stretched inland several more feet creating a wall of sand dotted with embedded shells. Amazing that even with the powerful waves crashing upon them through the night some of the most beautiful shells remained whole. Yes, many were broken, but others had endured. And then I heard Him say, "You, too, will survive this storm of grief and torrent of waves. Press on. Just press on. Trust me to protect you and guide you. I love you--so much that I gave up my Son for you. I am holding you in the palm of My hand even now." Waves of peace washed over me then!
And so every day I gathered more shells. (Hunter thinks I'm a bit obsessed with them!) They remind me of our Creator and His power to design, preserve, and change the landscape every day. These beach treasures also remind me that God is with me, alongside me, every moment of every day--at the beach, at school, at home, at the grocery store... Even in my loneliness I am never truly alone.
I'm so thankful for this assurance, for some days I'm just a mess, an absolute mess. I miss Jim terribly. Surely he was my faithful companion, my confidant, my sweetheart. But in my weeping, I hear the Lord whisper, "I am here. I will never leave you." So much I don't understand, but I simply must trust. I lean on His attributes and know He is trustworthy. He is my refuge, my delight, my hope, my joy. His mercies are new every morning. At the beach I found treasures in the sand; may each of us find treasure in His compassionate Presence.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
God With Us
"The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17
As I read the devotion from Jesus Calling every morning, I am still amazed how often the Lord speaks directly to me, especially from the Scriptures referenced. Last Thursday this verse from Zephaniah offered such reassurance for the day ahead--"The LORD your God is with you" became my litany for the day. You see, the boys and I had an appointment scheduled that afternoon with Dr. Michael Waldrum, CEO of UAB hospital. I had requested this meeting to discuss a letter I had sent to Dr. Waldrum the week before--a lengthy letter that detailed Jim's care at UAB.
For several days I had prayed about what outcome from the meeting would offer peace. God revealed two things that I needed to hear: an apology for and acknowledgment of the missed diagnoses (yes, plural) and assurance that the problems would be addressed with various physicians. Although I am generally non-confrontational and not even very assertive, I felt compelled to voice my grievances. Those last few weeks Jim suffered so needlessly, and I didn't want another family to have to endure the helplessness that we all had felt. Austin, Caleb, and Hunter expressed their desire to go with me and share their hearts as well. We were thankful that Caleb's spring break and Austin's off-week during internship coincided. God's timing is always perfect.
Armed with that powerful verse reminding us that the Lord was with us, the four of us prayed together before we got on the elevator at the hospital. The essence of our prayer--that God would guide our words, guard our hearts, and give us peace upon leaving. How faithful is our Father! Dr. Waldrum greeted us and introduced us to two other doctors that would be meeting with us: Dr. Boudreaux (chief of staff) and Dr. Taylor who oversees quality control. Although we met with these men for over an hour, within the first five minutes I had heard the two things I specifically needed to hear. "We are so sorry we obviously failed you," and "Please may we use your letter and your family's name as we teach and better educate our staff." Clearly Dr. Waldrum had reviewed and examined Jim's case closely, especially the 3 ER visits. Each of us had an opportunity to share, and the Lord was indeed with us--no emotional outbursts on our part and no defensive remarks on theirs. They assumed full responsibility for the errors in judgment. Dr. Waldrum ended our meeting with a request for a family photo to help put faces to our story for his staff. I told him that was why we were there--to put faces to the words in my letter. Real people with real pain seeking to effect change.
I left the hospital feeling a bit lighter--a burden that I had been carrying for some time (since late December) lifted. As I shared in this excerpt from the letter, honoring Jim was the reason we simply had to be a voice for the next family:
"My husband was known around this community for his kindness and genuine desire to help others—very often strangers. It is on his behalf that my boys and I were prompted to share these things with you—in hopes of helping someone whom we don’t even know. We are certain that this is what he would have done."
As the boys and I had discussed ahead of time, this meeting would not change our present. However, it might change someone else's future. This will continue to be our prayer--that these doctors will use Jim's story to teach others and ultimately make them better, wiser, and more compassionate physicians. And so Jim's legacy will continue in yet another venue...
What powerful words, "The LORD your God is with you." May we never forget that truth no matter what lies ahead. How blessed we are to serve a God who never leaves us nor forsakes us!
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17
As I read the devotion from Jesus Calling every morning, I am still amazed how often the Lord speaks directly to me, especially from the Scriptures referenced. Last Thursday this verse from Zephaniah offered such reassurance for the day ahead--"The LORD your God is with you" became my litany for the day. You see, the boys and I had an appointment scheduled that afternoon with Dr. Michael Waldrum, CEO of UAB hospital. I had requested this meeting to discuss a letter I had sent to Dr. Waldrum the week before--a lengthy letter that detailed Jim's care at UAB.
For several days I had prayed about what outcome from the meeting would offer peace. God revealed two things that I needed to hear: an apology for and acknowledgment of the missed diagnoses (yes, plural) and assurance that the problems would be addressed with various physicians. Although I am generally non-confrontational and not even very assertive, I felt compelled to voice my grievances. Those last few weeks Jim suffered so needlessly, and I didn't want another family to have to endure the helplessness that we all had felt. Austin, Caleb, and Hunter expressed their desire to go with me and share their hearts as well. We were thankful that Caleb's spring break and Austin's off-week during internship coincided. God's timing is always perfect.
Armed with that powerful verse reminding us that the Lord was with us, the four of us prayed together before we got on the elevator at the hospital. The essence of our prayer--that God would guide our words, guard our hearts, and give us peace upon leaving. How faithful is our Father! Dr. Waldrum greeted us and introduced us to two other doctors that would be meeting with us: Dr. Boudreaux (chief of staff) and Dr. Taylor who oversees quality control. Although we met with these men for over an hour, within the first five minutes I had heard the two things I specifically needed to hear. "We are so sorry we obviously failed you," and "Please may we use your letter and your family's name as we teach and better educate our staff." Clearly Dr. Waldrum had reviewed and examined Jim's case closely, especially the 3 ER visits. Each of us had an opportunity to share, and the Lord was indeed with us--no emotional outbursts on our part and no defensive remarks on theirs. They assumed full responsibility for the errors in judgment. Dr. Waldrum ended our meeting with a request for a family photo to help put faces to our story for his staff. I told him that was why we were there--to put faces to the words in my letter. Real people with real pain seeking to effect change.
I left the hospital feeling a bit lighter--a burden that I had been carrying for some time (since late December) lifted. As I shared in this excerpt from the letter, honoring Jim was the reason we simply had to be a voice for the next family:
"My husband was known around this community for his kindness and genuine desire to help others—very often strangers. It is on his behalf that my boys and I were prompted to share these things with you—in hopes of helping someone whom we don’t even know. We are certain that this is what he would have done."
As the boys and I had discussed ahead of time, this meeting would not change our present. However, it might change someone else's future. This will continue to be our prayer--that these doctors will use Jim's story to teach others and ultimately make them better, wiser, and more compassionate physicians. And so Jim's legacy will continue in yet another venue...
What powerful words, "The LORD your God is with you." May we never forget that truth no matter what lies ahead. How blessed we are to serve a God who never leaves us nor forsakes us!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Overflowing
"Though He brings grief, He will show compassion,
so great is His unfailing love."
Lamentations 3:32
Today I returned to my classroom amid the prayers of countless warriors. I was truly overwhelmed by the many kindnesses--an accordion of homemade cards from my precious students lay on my desk when I arrived. Throughout the day there were hugs and flowers and texts and emails and more cards. My third period had even planned a "Welcome back" party complete with cupcakes, chips, and dip. Dear Katherine, my across the hall neighbor, handed me a vase of dogwood branches saying, "I hope these remind you of Jesus, and He will remind you of Jim since he is right there beside Him." Tears, yes, but only a sprinkling--not a waterfall. Overflowing grace...
Since I didn't have to administer graduation exams this morning, I had several hours to get my bearings and work on lesson plans--kind of nuzzle my way back into the nest. Students began coming in after lunch, and our time together was sweet. I thanked them for praying for Jim and our family, reminding them that God had indeed answered our prayers for healing. No, not in the manner that we would have preferred, but healed indeed. And for that we could celebrate--that his body is restored, his eternity is sealed in heaven, and we will have reunion one day. I have been praying that God would tender my students' hearts to hear from Him today--that they might understand there can be peace amid the pain. I told them, "Someday you will encounter your own mountains to climb, and I want you to remember me standing here today. This is a living picture of a verse familiar to many of you: "The Lord is my strength." He is why I am back; it is His power that enables me to be your teacher again."
I walked out of the building reflecting on the many blessings of the day, but the Lord was not finished. As I was walking to my car, a colleague who is a young dad stopped and asked how my day had been. He then began to share what a powerful impact that Jim's service had had on him and his role as a dad. God had spoken to him through that service, and he was changed. Wow! Overflowing... Surely He is a God full of compassion and unfailing love!
I only met with three of my five classes today; I'll see the other two tomorrow. Thank you to those who were praying today--the power of those petitions was so very real. Please pray on as we watch for God's grace to flow down and cover us...
so great is His unfailing love."
Lamentations 3:32
Today I returned to my classroom amid the prayers of countless warriors. I was truly overwhelmed by the many kindnesses--an accordion of homemade cards from my precious students lay on my desk when I arrived. Throughout the day there were hugs and flowers and texts and emails and more cards. My third period had even planned a "Welcome back" party complete with cupcakes, chips, and dip. Dear Katherine, my across the hall neighbor, handed me a vase of dogwood branches saying, "I hope these remind you of Jesus, and He will remind you of Jim since he is right there beside Him." Tears, yes, but only a sprinkling--not a waterfall. Overflowing grace...
Since I didn't have to administer graduation exams this morning, I had several hours to get my bearings and work on lesson plans--kind of nuzzle my way back into the nest. Students began coming in after lunch, and our time together was sweet. I thanked them for praying for Jim and our family, reminding them that God had indeed answered our prayers for healing. No, not in the manner that we would have preferred, but healed indeed. And for that we could celebrate--that his body is restored, his eternity is sealed in heaven, and we will have reunion one day. I have been praying that God would tender my students' hearts to hear from Him today--that they might understand there can be peace amid the pain. I told them, "Someday you will encounter your own mountains to climb, and I want you to remember me standing here today. This is a living picture of a verse familiar to many of you: "The Lord is my strength." He is why I am back; it is His power that enables me to be your teacher again."
I walked out of the building reflecting on the many blessings of the day, but the Lord was not finished. As I was walking to my car, a colleague who is a young dad stopped and asked how my day had been. He then began to share what a powerful impact that Jim's service had had on him and his role as a dad. God had spoken to him through that service, and he was changed. Wow! Overflowing... Surely He is a God full of compassion and unfailing love!
I only met with three of my five classes today; I'll see the other two tomorrow. Thank you to those who were praying today--the power of those petitions was so very real. Please pray on as we watch for God's grace to flow down and cover us...
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Flooded with Grace
"Give thanks to the LORD, call on His name;
make known among the nations what He has done.
Sing to Him, sing praise to Him;
tell of all His wonderful acts.
Glory in His holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
Look to the LORD and His strength;
seek His face always."
I Chronicles 16:8-11
Though CaringBridge was my public journal, I have continued to write each day in my private one. Oh, what the Lord teaches a grief-laden heart! I've struggled with the whole "blog" concept, always thinking that a bit egotistical that one would think others were really interested in the ramblings of a scattered mind. But I have been praying diligently, seeking the Lord's direction, and I believe this morning's Scripture was His definitive answer: I must tell. He has done great things.
Is it really possible that five weeks have passed? Five weeks since the Lord called our precious Jim home? Surely it is His strength that has sustained us. Reading and writing and crying and praying--these have been the essence of my days, yet please don't pity me--the intimacy I have shared with my Savior during this time has been sweet. He continues to make His presence and provision so very real. Even in the "flash floods"--those moments (often unexpected) when the tears spill uncontrollably--He appears. Just like the real floods, the raging waters don't linger too long, and soon the sun (or maybe the Son?) finds its way from behind the clouds.
I must share how the Lord provided one particular grace-filled Wednesday a couple of weeks ago. Florence Moore, a precious widow who leads a grief ministry at our church, had called me several times wanting to get together. She was relentless and I was reluctant, but she listened to the Lord's prompting and wouldn't give up. I finally gave in and she came over, spending several hours with me that morning. What a blessing as she simply listened! (A valuable lesson I learned in what a gift just listening can be.) We talked about certain times, events to "pray up" for--those occasions to anticipate being especially difficult. One thing she warned about was the arrival of the death certificates--seeing the loss in print can be heart wrenching. And just as God had timed, the certificates arrived later that day. How grateful I am for a saint who wouldn't let my resistance interfere with the Lord's insistence!
Preparing for a "flash flood," I waited to open the envelope until after Hunter had left for church. Just as my sweet new friend had predicted, torrential tears followed. Within just a few minutes, the doorbell rang. Sobbing, I opened the door to find a dear colleague/friend from school. Wanda was headed to her evening church service and stopped by to bring me a devotional book. Now here is the greater grace: Wanda is a widow--and until my introduction to Florence, my only widow friend among my circle of friends in Hoover. She alone knew precisely what I was feeling when I explained why I was so distressed. In the midst of my tears and that comforting hug, I sensed such a powerful presence of the Lord that I could almost hear Him whispering, "I am here. I told you that I would not leave you or forsake you." Wow! What a blessing! Wanda stayed for a while, and after she left, the calm after the storm prevailed. Indeed His presence does bring His peace--even in painful circumstances.
On several other occasions of late the Lord has vividly reminded me of His presence. These I will share later. For now just know that He is faithful--every day--rain or shine.
make known among the nations what He has done.
Sing to Him, sing praise to Him;
tell of all His wonderful acts.
Glory in His holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
Look to the LORD and His strength;
seek His face always."
I Chronicles 16:8-11
Though CaringBridge was my public journal, I have continued to write each day in my private one. Oh, what the Lord teaches a grief-laden heart! I've struggled with the whole "blog" concept, always thinking that a bit egotistical that one would think others were really interested in the ramblings of a scattered mind. But I have been praying diligently, seeking the Lord's direction, and I believe this morning's Scripture was His definitive answer: I must tell. He has done great things.
Is it really possible that five weeks have passed? Five weeks since the Lord called our precious Jim home? Surely it is His strength that has sustained us. Reading and writing and crying and praying--these have been the essence of my days, yet please don't pity me--the intimacy I have shared with my Savior during this time has been sweet. He continues to make His presence and provision so very real. Even in the "flash floods"--those moments (often unexpected) when the tears spill uncontrollably--He appears. Just like the real floods, the raging waters don't linger too long, and soon the sun (or maybe the Son?) finds its way from behind the clouds.
I must share how the Lord provided one particular grace-filled Wednesday a couple of weeks ago. Florence Moore, a precious widow who leads a grief ministry at our church, had called me several times wanting to get together. She was relentless and I was reluctant, but she listened to the Lord's prompting and wouldn't give up. I finally gave in and she came over, spending several hours with me that morning. What a blessing as she simply listened! (A valuable lesson I learned in what a gift just listening can be.) We talked about certain times, events to "pray up" for--those occasions to anticipate being especially difficult. One thing she warned about was the arrival of the death certificates--seeing the loss in print can be heart wrenching. And just as God had timed, the certificates arrived later that day. How grateful I am for a saint who wouldn't let my resistance interfere with the Lord's insistence!
Preparing for a "flash flood," I waited to open the envelope until after Hunter had left for church. Just as my sweet new friend had predicted, torrential tears followed. Within just a few minutes, the doorbell rang. Sobbing, I opened the door to find a dear colleague/friend from school. Wanda was headed to her evening church service and stopped by to bring me a devotional book. Now here is the greater grace: Wanda is a widow--and until my introduction to Florence, my only widow friend among my circle of friends in Hoover. She alone knew precisely what I was feeling when I explained why I was so distressed. In the midst of my tears and that comforting hug, I sensed such a powerful presence of the Lord that I could almost hear Him whispering, "I am here. I told you that I would not leave you or forsake you." Wow! What a blessing! Wanda stayed for a while, and after she left, the calm after the storm prevailed. Indeed His presence does bring His peace--even in painful circumstances.
On several other occasions of late the Lord has vividly reminded me of His presence. These I will share later. For now just know that He is faithful--every day--rain or shine.
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